I am a survivor of the cheap kind. People survive earthquakes, life-threatening diseases, floods, lightning, dengue, malaria, landslides, stampedes, potholes, traffic exhaust gases, passive smoking, mobile addiction, too much alcohol and rash driving. I survived Dabangg 3 yesterday.
Last year I survived Race 3 (2018), the “so bad that it is good” Bhai flick. Dabangg 3 is just unimaginably bad. It was so bad, I walked out after the first half with a banging headache and didn’t return.
The Dabangg 3 horror show
Before I get to A Quick Guide to Surviving Terrible Bhai Movies, here’s a summary of the first half vulgarity I endured – (disgust alert) a sword presumably cuts through a goon’s private parts, hard kicks in the groin (supposedly for laughs), the hero drops his pants during an action sequence (please laugh?!).
Dark ugly goons (the main villain is fair-skinned, sidekicks need to be ugly?) are beaten up in insulting, nauseating and humiliating ways (A sign of our intolerant times?).
The Dabangg 3 horror show continues…
A young girl aspiring to be a doctor falls for an unemployed man just like that – because she is too innocent and shy to have her own mind? The camera is made to linger inappropriately, unashamedly on certain female body parts, and that has been a lowbrow Bollywood titillation device in several movies.
Unmentionable ‘jokes’ fly about involving shit, washing shit, farting and men’s underwear.
Then the stabbing, in-your-face, barbaric, rash, brutal, unreasonable violence to fold up the first half just did me in. I left behind one empty seat of the packed single screen theatre to drooling, loyal Bhai fans.
In comparison, Abhinav Kashyap’s Dabangg(2010) at least had some genuine fun bits and comic book touches. Chulbul Pandey was Kashyap’s creation, lively, fascinating, the one role Bhai plays best, but now Pandey is reduced to a dumb caricature, a cartoon brand.
Presenting ‘A Quick Guide to Surviving Terrible Bhai Movies’
ONEÂ
Check the director’s credit, go if it is a credible director like Kabir Khan who has a track record at attempting sane storytelling. For instance, Bajranji Bhaijaan (2015) was well-intentioned, if not logical flick.
The entertaining Sultan (2016) was an Ali Abbas Zafar film, even if Bhai wins an Olympic gold medal like it is a walk in the park. The terrible Bharat (2019) didn’t seem like a Zafar film at all. Lately, free-thinking directors and Bhai don’t work together.
By the way, Dabangg 3’s story (what’s that?) is credited to Bhai. Now you know.
TWOÂ
The trailer will give you a fair idea. The Dabangg 3 and Race 3 trailers did tell me enough about how it’s going to go. I knew suffering was not an option but a necessity. Then why did I go?
I love watching movies in single theatres, the audience is so reactive, open and spontaneous there. Golmaal Again is my favourite single-screen experience yet. I go so that thousands read my review and escape suffering. That’s my lame excuse.
After Dabangg 3, I am going to miss every Prabhudeva movie as a director unless it is a total dance movie. That man can certainly dance, dance and dance, but not direct. No sensibility, only brashness, skin show, and vulgarity. For evidence, wince and cringe at two terrible Prabhudeva directed atrocities – Action Jackson (2014) and R…Rajkumar (2013).
THREE
So if you still got to the theatre just like my clueless self, look for any salvaging moments, moments that are real and actually well-written.
I found about eight seconds of something remotely funny in Dabangg 3 and boy, did I laugh! What beautiful fleeting moments they were. The eight seconds were worth the money.
FOURÂ
Carry an eye mask, two earbuds and fall asleep to the soothing hum of the air-conditioner when you get tired and bored. Since you have paid for that lush chair, make the most of it.
FIVEÂ
Wait for the interval, there may be a good trailer coming up. Your movie-going future may still be bright, hang on!
SIX
If you went with friends, who are Bhai fans too, pretend to receive an important call and disappear for a few hours.
SEVENÂ
Make friends with the person handling the snacks counter and converse over overpriced popcorn about his/her family, life and friends. You should have made a new friend by the time the movie ends.
EIGHTÂ
Usually, there is a friendly stray dog outside a multiplex. A single theatre usually has its own mascot stray pet dog, complete with a collar and it’s own aadhar card.
So go spoil that dog with biscuits, teach it how to raise a paw and shake hands. Massage its head, let it sleep on your lap, release your motherly instincts… and on the weight of this recently created good impression with the theatre owners, and probably animal rights activists hovering around (as they do), maybe now you can ask for a refund?
